sprained my right pinky 2 days ago. have it all taped and wrapped up to ease some discomfort, but having it immobilized really makes me realize so things i do rely on my pinky. typing on the keyboard right now is certainly one main thing.

it's end of January. what? that's quick. i was looking at my calender and realized how much stuff had happened over this month. the trip to mendocino, the thought of getting a teaching credential and doing all the research of it, conversations with my mom and knowing it's not gonna happen, realization of the actualization that anything can happen, the TB test that i didn't have to take afterall, the fitness meeting that was supposed to motivate me as a trainer in this new year, the start of a new basketball league, the interview in SJ, the new clients i have, the thought of being the happiest aunt soon.

using the term "realize" alot. really, i realize alot of things at the start of the year. it's a good start.

it's teaching alot being an individual on this planet. things may not seem to go where i want it to, but somehow i find this path made me realize alot more about myself. how hot and bad tempered i can be. yikes. but how i still have friends and family listening to me whine. cl is so patient with me and i don't understand how he does it, because even i can't stand myself when i throw a tantrum. but from there i appreciate him so much more.

the puzzle pieces are falling into their places each day as it goes by. it's weird but within all the frustration there's always a good feeling i have and i can't help but to crack it off.

and my sister is gonna have a baby! i am soooooo happy! so so happy :) my sister who used to tease and fight and play and teach me is gonna have a little somebody in her's and steve's life. the thought of it is breath taking. i'm gonna work on my basketball skills more so i can teach the little somebody basketball!

oh but it's england, soccer is a much bigger thing. maybe i'll get my brother to teach soccer instead.

God will make a way
when there seems to be no way
he works in ways
we cannot see
he will make a way for me
he will be my guide
hold me closely to his side
with love and strength
for each new day
he will make a way
he will make a way

one of the first christian song that i can still memorize and sing. and after spending some quiet time i feel so much better. come to think about it, i have a close friend here who has been trying all these while in job search but in vain. and yet he has such strong faith about the next step that it made me realize God is still in control. when i try to steer the wheel everything's a mess... but when i let Him take control, comfort and strength overwhelm me. so many people love me and in return i love them back, i'm so so blessed. moving around has been a trend in my life, but the feeling of parting i have still not yet been able to desensitize. whether the move is by me or someone else. but from such experiences, i find myself value some things more than others.

value a call from a friend more than the tv.
value basketball playing than basketball shoes.
value hugs and kisses more than what's gonna happen next.
value the journey rather than the destination.

there's so much to write, but i don't know what to write.

each step i take is so unpredictable, it seems like each step makes a difference to a either "this or that" outcome.

some things are just unpredictable. but is that bad? or is that good?

different people tell me different things. but in the end, i'm leading myself to what i, hopefully, think is best.

remember when i was 15, my A-math teacher told me, "if you can't change the situation, change yourself to adjust to the situation."

so i see everything in a bigger picture. and i see that things may not work out the way we want it to be, but it's not the end. unless i start seeing it as the end.

well it's not.

and meanwhile continue to do what i can while still enjoying what i have.

tiredness has been my biggest enemy recently.

it's that type of tiredness that no matter how much i sleep, it will still creep up to me one way or another, i'm not sure how.

it's a mental kind of tired that affect me physically as well.

dealing with the coming near future is tough, but i'm glad that as i go through each day, each step starts to reveal the next step for me. like running up that killer slope back at MacRitchie in singapore years ago. i couldn't look anywhere else except that next step i planted my foot in with sweat dripping all over me and knowing each step is gonna take me to the top and finish the whole darn thing.

and i'm so lucky. so many people love me and support me. what a great way to start the new year. :)