i'm homesick.

i miss daddy and mommy.
i miss wen and mike.
i miss my uncles and aunts.
i miss hong kong.
i miss singapore.

i miss home.

:'(

it's 1 in the morning, a wednesday morning. just showered, and i don't really want to go sleep yet. not that i'm not tired, but i just want the moments that happened today to stay fresh alittle longer in my mind.

earlier today was my last day at YB. a 3 to 10pm shift, my schedule was pretty much booked up due to training most of my clients for one last time before i go away for some time. the only break i had was 4-5, and when i finished training TK, i saw in the schedule book that i needed to see my boss. thought maybe he had something for me to do but then we just ended chatting for a while. so at about 4:30 i was walking out to check on the floor and stuff when then i was called back into the trainer's room... and the staff had a cake for me...! DJ brought it in and FL gave me a gym bag with lots of goodies in there... and the best part was that there was a card for me signed by the staff with different messages from each of them... i was filled with such mixed emotions i didn't know what to feel, all i knew was that i didn't wanna cry.

As i carried on throughout the day with clients, different staff walked up to me to give me hugs and goodbyes as they took off for the night, like xan, DJ, Jon... VB even waited for me for 1/2 hr so i could finish my training just to give me a hug. and Hong gave me some egg tarts. even members. i felt bits and pieces of sadness and sweetness.

after work AP and Regula were still sticking around, so we decided to go out for dinner. went to the chinese place on irving since that's the only place we knew was open late, and we had so much food. by the time we were done, it was past 12 and it's been a long time since i hanged out with my friends till late. i realized how much i miss it, and i love the feeling of hanging out with them. and they treated me dinner. i didn't know what to feel except that i didn't really want the day and night to end.

but now i know what i'm feeling. it's sadness of parting something that i enjoyed so much doing, with the people in it whom make it so so much wonderful. it's realizing the happiness i have in working with the people there and with that looking forward to seeing them each day and week has been taken for granted this past year. and now realization hits me that i'm officially ending this part of the journey, i realize that i can never be prepared for this even though i see it coming. i'm never good at leaving somewhere, someplace, someone... all these years, it is still the same.

and now i'm waiting to see, with puffy eyes, what's the next part of my journey.

okok, so it's almost end of July... and it's almost end of alot of things for me on my side. and of course, the start of many as well...

moved out of willits and into ellis. it's a really nice place here, even though there's so much crap on my part all around the house. the past year i feel as though i'm grown 10 years older instead of 1, so i'm actually glad to leave behind the 'days of our lives' series in the old place. if you don't know, that means drama that doesn't involve me but around me that can be annoying. i'm pretty much done with other people's silly girly problems.

living with someone else can be really be challenging. but situations like this really help to understand each other better. and also to make you a better person because you realize how much crap you can have in your own life and personality that people around you don't really have to tolerate if they don't love you. and so i pray to God that He will help others to bear with me.

leaving Club One next week. looking back all the way till now, i can say it's such a wonderful experience. i feel as though i've got a family there and it sucks knowing that everything is finally coming together and i have to leave. Bittersweet.

i've been watching this taiwanese basketball soap opera a friend lent me these past couple of days. today i finished the 6th episode, and i can't believe that i actually made it this far and i know i'll probably finish watching the whole thing. despite of the dramatic, unrealistic story plot with cute-looking but ultra stupid characters, this soap opera keeps you coming back for more by the way they end the story in each episode - they end at the climax. arghh. so you fall in the circle of coming back to find out what's next as you slide in the next vcd. and then the next. and the next. and in this case it's me pressing the eject button.

it's fun actually, a break for my usual routine of the past few months of surfing the web and stuff. having things to look forward to can be really motivational. like my upcoming rafting trip in june! i can't wait. it's like as though the river is waiting for me and i can't wait to jump into it, basking in the sun at the same time. that's recreational side. work side, talking to my boss has always inspired me to learn more and more, to become a very knowledgable individual in my area of work. that's what happened today, and it helped me to focus and set a goal - to know the body inside out. it's gonna take a lot of work, but i really want to become the best in what i'm only good at now.

yeah!

ok i gotta go in a few minutes, but after such a long time i think writing something even for a few mintues is a huge step. (thanks for bugging stel)

everything has been the same, even though a lot had been done. it's like as though the process didn't happen. but then come to think about it, if it had not happen, i won't be feeling alittle more relax even with the coming future uncertainty. and this uncertainty has made me appreciate things that are happening right now so much more. like the friends, the activities, my work, my special someone. lots and lots.

gotta go. be back soon.

slept till late this morning, got up 45 mins ago. arghhh not a good idea to play startcraft last night till 1:30am.

haha just read stel's blog about the job situation for grads in singapore. i think if i'm there i'll be a total loser. singapore just tends to have alittle too much pressure in those ways.

so anyway things are still pretty much the same, for the big picture. but i did continue to have fun learning and talking to people in the gym. there is this member who is much older and can be my grandpa, and he always has a little smile on his face when i talk to him. he told me the last time that from the way i talked to him i must really like my job. well i do. after more than half a year at this job i met so many different types of people it's pretty cool. even with my newest client where we can just kill each other i still enjoy the training part.

what comes next is uncertain. but at least i like what i have right now.

just got back from the attorney’s office. seems like so many things have already happened this morning the moment i woke up that time has not passed by at all.

it was good. i have reached for the next step and even though it's like a mudhole i fall into, at least i know what it is. got alot of valuable information which answer alot of my questions, i feel a sense of relieve and anxiety at the same time that neutralizes each other - i feel numb.

it's not a bad or a good numb, it's just numb. u don't feel anything when u are numb so it's not a good or bad thing i guess. this numbness inside has been radiating alot more through me recently. it numbs my usual activity and thoughts and talking that people think i am down. i don't think i am, but maybe i am. my thoughts are numb that i can't really think whether it's true or not. but on the other hand i'm not feeling bad or anything much really, except for occasional outburst of temper that makes me take my close ones around for granted. i totally dislike this. i’m sorry.

so probably, numbness does have negative side effects. i’ll work to get myself back.

i’m finding the beach and water and sun again. i’m so stupid, they have always been there. i’m the one that have been away.

sprained my right pinky 2 days ago. have it all taped and wrapped up to ease some discomfort, but having it immobilized really makes me realize so things i do rely on my pinky. typing on the keyboard right now is certainly one main thing.

it's end of January. what? that's quick. i was looking at my calender and realized how much stuff had happened over this month. the trip to mendocino, the thought of getting a teaching credential and doing all the research of it, conversations with my mom and knowing it's not gonna happen, realization of the actualization that anything can happen, the TB test that i didn't have to take afterall, the fitness meeting that was supposed to motivate me as a trainer in this new year, the start of a new basketball league, the interview in SJ, the new clients i have, the thought of being the happiest aunt soon.

using the term "realize" alot. really, i realize alot of things at the start of the year. it's a good start.

it's teaching alot being an individual on this planet. things may not seem to go where i want it to, but somehow i find this path made me realize alot more about myself. how hot and bad tempered i can be. yikes. but how i still have friends and family listening to me whine. cl is so patient with me and i don't understand how he does it, because even i can't stand myself when i throw a tantrum. but from there i appreciate him so much more.

the puzzle pieces are falling into their places each day as it goes by. it's weird but within all the frustration there's always a good feeling i have and i can't help but to crack it off.

and my sister is gonna have a baby! i am soooooo happy! so so happy :) my sister who used to tease and fight and play and teach me is gonna have a little somebody in her's and steve's life. the thought of it is breath taking. i'm gonna work on my basketball skills more so i can teach the little somebody basketball!

oh but it's england, soccer is a much bigger thing. maybe i'll get my brother to teach soccer instead.

God will make a way
when there seems to be no way
he works in ways
we cannot see
he will make a way for me
he will be my guide
hold me closely to his side
with love and strength
for each new day
he will make a way
he will make a way

one of the first christian song that i can still memorize and sing. and after spending some quiet time i feel so much better. come to think about it, i have a close friend here who has been trying all these while in job search but in vain. and yet he has such strong faith about the next step that it made me realize God is still in control. when i try to steer the wheel everything's a mess... but when i let Him take control, comfort and strength overwhelm me. so many people love me and in return i love them back, i'm so so blessed. moving around has been a trend in my life, but the feeling of parting i have still not yet been able to desensitize. whether the move is by me or someone else. but from such experiences, i find myself value some things more than others.

value a call from a friend more than the tv.
value basketball playing than basketball shoes.
value hugs and kisses more than what's gonna happen next.
value the journey rather than the destination.

there's so much to write, but i don't know what to write.

each step i take is so unpredictable, it seems like each step makes a difference to a either "this or that" outcome.

some things are just unpredictable. but is that bad? or is that good?

different people tell me different things. but in the end, i'm leading myself to what i, hopefully, think is best.

remember when i was 15, my A-math teacher told me, "if you can't change the situation, change yourself to adjust to the situation."

so i see everything in a bigger picture. and i see that things may not work out the way we want it to be, but it's not the end. unless i start seeing it as the end.

well it's not.

and meanwhile continue to do what i can while still enjoying what i have.

tiredness has been my biggest enemy recently.

it's that type of tiredness that no matter how much i sleep, it will still creep up to me one way or another, i'm not sure how.

it's a mental kind of tired that affect me physically as well.

dealing with the coming near future is tough, but i'm glad that as i go through each day, each step starts to reveal the next step for me. like running up that killer slope back at MacRitchie in singapore years ago. i couldn't look anywhere else except that next step i planted my foot in with sweat dripping all over me and knowing each step is gonna take me to the top and finish the whole darn thing.

and i'm so lucky. so many people love me and support me. what a great way to start the new year. :)