i talked to my car tonight. i must be going crazy.

was walking towards my car at the end of the long night at the gym, i found myself saying, "hey buster, how are you?" clicked open the door and slid myself in, and i felt good. safe and quiet. like a little nut in a nutshell kind of feeling. where the nutshell can be cracked open anytime even though how tough it seems to be.

it's one of those days today. where i feel like a cracked open nut. no matter how tough i try to be, the shell i build around me still cracks and leave me exposed.

arghhhh.

always thought i'm tough. guess i'm no better than anyone really. maybe even worse than others. because i build up this wall around me and think i can take up any challenge along the way. is that considered being stupid.

was never the best. did my best to be the best, thought i was the best. but nope, never really was the best. tried, strived, thought i was there, felt i got there. but nope, it don't mean anything to them. so who's the best. not me.

so i don't care. thought it don't matter no more. and i felt confident. i was confident. but it came back. and i lost it. lost confidence in myself. me? that's crazy. not a person who'll lose that.

but i guess i did. alright, nutshell time. let's build another one to protect my cowardly being. it's alittle suffocating, but that's better than getting pierced.

or is it?

someone once said risking is necessary. if not you'll never know. i did, and the journey is going good. but it comes to a point where it is breaking my shell away. heard it's suppose to be like that, that it's a good thing. but to be honest, afraid.

what if i disappoint. or get disappointed? someone else is always better. that sucks. i'm never good enough. that sucks big time. whoever i got that from, it works. i'm feeling it.

or... is it?

tired.

the air is so cold today that i'm having a slight headache. but after getting out of the house to get some groceries, moving my body around does seems to help alleviate some of the heaviness in my head. and the promise of hot porridge being cooked in the process of my entry certainly is something i look forward to, rather than popping two advils into my stomach.

i did blow out the candles without being photographed on saturday, at least not at that moment when i was in action. guess i'm just quick ;) it was a day where everything seemed to be planned out in such a way where they were just waiting for me to explore. well there was actually someone who planned out everything, and i can't appreciate what he did more.

it was a rainy day, and i was actually glad it was rainy even though it meant there was no basketball, but i just felt tired somewhat. lying in a cozy bed under the warm covers, while the sky looks gray with raindrops hitting against the window forming rhythmic sounds, it was one of the most comfortable feelings i've ever had, and it certainly promise a cozy start to the day. and it was good. peaceful yet with a pinch of excitement because i was happy. walked around town without having to hurry to anywhere, i love it.

and dinner was fantastic. chia took me to bistro on clement and i love every bit of it. it's a french restaurant with a very friendly atmosphere, their lightings felt warm and the food was excellent. the salmon i had was really good and definitely the mashed potatoes too. i wonder what they put in there to make it that good. and i guess that's why people are willing to pay extra to eat good food. the funny thing was that towards the end of dinner when we needed to get our coats back, the waiter didn't know which ones were ours and thus he took all the coats from the coat rack and brought them all to us. the best thing was that he did it with such professionalism that i really admire his attitude for his job.

and the surprise party. chia invited some of our friends over to celebrate my birthday without my knowing. ok, maybe alittle since florence spilled some beans to me, but all i knew was that there seems to be something going on. it was still such a surprise when it happened, and it was really nice to be having our friends over for tea and conversations and enjoying the get-together. i love every moment of it.

and i guess it's because these days, people are so busy with their lives that get-togethers are a time to slow down, catch up and indulge in others' companies. especially when it's getting cold, feelings like this warms up the hearts.

my headache seems to be gone.

just checked my email and among the dozens of mails from my basketball buddies and school and work stuff, an ecard from bluemountain from a friend back in crescent whom i've lost contact with for a long time. it definitely made my night! :) a total pleasant surprise, and the funny thing is that she sent me a "i love u" card for my birthday. hahahaha. i love it :)

it adds to the joy of getting a card from my sis each year as well without fail, this year she sent me one of a light purplish color with flowers on the cover. and inside there's a few words written in her own stylish cursives which i always admire - and tried copying when i was younger - of hers and my bro-in-law's wishes. i've put it up on top of my dresser and it sure finds its place among the other stuff i've put together; graduation stuff toys, tea candles, and a few pictures i really like.

i've been doing much better with progress at work the past week. i've got clients! with my own efforts ;) there are times i just wanna go out there and help everyone out on the floor, when there are just too many people with incorrect techniques yanking their bodies at the machines. but i guess i still need to survive and get paid to do so. darryl is proud of me i think, but i feel i still got a long way to go.

work and work, that's why i decided to take saturday off. final decision, after weighing it between cash or rest. and in coincidence it's my birthday too. looking back from all that have happened since last year, i feel i've come a long way. feel as though many many many things have happened.

hmmph. it's kinda sad somehow when i don't really know what to do that day. it's not new, i never really know what to do or expect since six years ago. am i suppose to do something? i know the answer - it's all up to me. that's why, i don't know.

some people throw big parties. some people have quiet dinners. some people forget theirs. i'm fortunate that i have someone special to take me out to dinner. just telling that to the korean lady at the gym today made me smile, and well, alittle embarrassed. not the bad kind , but the kind that feels like being a little girl having her very first date and someone knows about it. hehe, so silly.

suddenly, i think i know what to do for bdays. things i like that makes me happy, but alittle different so it's different from the usual. like going somewhere. there's so many places i want to go. but i'll save that for next time. maybe i should ride my bike to ocean beach and kick up and fall into the sand. that's pretty fun :) love to be close to mother nature. play some hoops, pat some doggies. sit down and enjoy conversations with friends. i did that the other night with a few of my good friends here over dinner at a African restaurant which was really cool, i totally enjoy everything over there; the food, the atmosphere, and especially their company and conversations. hehe, i want to blow out candles too. without being photographed that is.

it's been getting so much colder these few days in SF. I actually woke up a few times last night feeling cold even under my usually warm covers in my cozy little bed. but i did get a good night's sleep.

i'm still learning so much from darryl at club one. it seems that no matter how hard i try to get better each time at orientation there's still something that i screw up. and darryl catches that everytime i talk to him. and i'll feel as though i'm the dumbest person on earth, with my confidence diving to the bottom of the valley. but he's a great mentor and he's teaching me so much which i so enjoy. i can't get any worse so i can only get better. suck it up and learn. the sky's the limit.

being back at state on monday was good too. i talked to Dr. Spina and Dr. Lee which helped alot in indirectly reviewing to me what i really like in the field. after these 2 years i still feel a bigger pinch in physiology than physical therapy. i'm searching around and talking with others about different areas to get a better idea of whether that's really what i want. it's a big investment there and i want to know.

i want. these two words have been coming up so frequently in my volcabulary these days. it used to be more like "i want, but what about this/that/him/her?" it's been alittle draining over the years. feels that an intermission period has arrived for me to just focus on myself. because that's what i want. i want to feel what i'm feeling. it doesn't mean i don't care about other people or other things. i just don't want to lose touch with myself. i want to find out the path ahead of me. i want to make decisions. i want to get better in what i do. i want to slack off in things i can slack off. i want to tell people what i feel, i want to let them know. i want to hide nothing. that's why i want to laugh when it's funny. and cry when it hurts. and buy three packets of sour patch kids when i want to eat three packs.

in addition, i want to continue what i've done before and what i'm still doing. it's still me with a deeper sense of who i am.

it's october. where did the year go?

have been so tired recently. i don't know why, but letting myself sleep for 10 hrs 2 nights before helped quite abit in getting my energy back.

it's good that there are things that keep me going. i'm still trying to keep myself going in learning more at work, learning from mistakes and having the thickest skin anyone can have so i can sustain falls. having gatherings after work to look forward to, good wine to drink, friends to crack jokes with. and chia, and God, and oh, chocolates.

life is so exciting that it's really amazing. you can't predict what's gonna happen tomorrow even if you think you do because you just can't. everything is in relation with other things that anything can happen. like a ball game a player has good and bad days on the court, gain experiences along the way and come back from mistakes, go through injuries, recover with help, or if not, move on to do something else like golf, like it and become the best of it, or leave it and try baking and starts an international business earning big bucks year round. as long as one come back at something, it's amazing what can happen.

yeah they are not sponsoring visa for me, but really, i'm not disappointed. was emailing virginia earlier on:
"... Somehow I'm really not disappointed or anything. It's weird but I believe that things will work out because if God has brought me this far to where I am right now He'll take care of me. It's really quite a relieve to know the answer of getting a visa or not and move on from there. I'm enjoying my work at Club One - I'm learning alot alot from my manager and other trainers, having a good time meeting new people. At the same time I'll be starting in looking at options for the near future, whether I would like to go back to school or some other stuff. Comes down to it again is money, but I think if I really want to go for what I want it'll work out...."

who cares where i'll be after a year. who cares what i'll be doing then. well i guess i do, but i mean things are not as bad as it seems. in fact i'm really looking forward to what's gonna happen! open myself up to all sorts of opportunities, i really don't know what will happen and i can't wait to find out ;) the past 2 days have been tough but funny how i find strength in others who are just there for me when i need them. from all over the place. all the way from Singapore and England and right here in SF. times like this i realize how creative people are too. simon called me yesterday and talked for 45 mins, that guy loves to talk! and i still find one of his suggested option too funny - making a dowry to chia so i'll get to stay and keep the money in the family too..! america is f-up man, reversing and messing with the chinese thinking. and hey simon said this himself.

it's friday! i love it :):):)

'but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.' - Isaiah 40:31

gotta sleep in till 9am because my work schedule is being switched from the morning shift to the afternoon/evening shift starting today. waking up feels funny just now, no more annoying ringin of the alarm clock to shock me up to an attack like each morning for the past month, and i can actually relax before rushing off to face the crazy day. the only thing is that i will only get off at 10pm, hmmmph... i'm not sure which is better, starting 5:30 in the morning or ending at 10 in the evening.

but then it'll be exciting to face another bunch of crowd in the gym, and i'll be learning from other trainers at how they do their stuff which will definitely help me in progressing faster. can't wait!

it's funny that when mom called me last night she talked to me like i'm still a little girl who doesn't know anything... basically she was talking 98% of the time, telling me to learn more stuff at work and budget my expenditure and things like that.... basically things that i already know and i'm already doing. hmmph sometimes pressure like this is just not very helpful, i'm just glad i know i'm doing a pretty good job surviving out here so that doesn't bother me.

darn my body is hurting quite a bit... basketball against those big guys are not really that easy. and speaking of basketball, still debating whether i should keep that pair of basketball shox xplosive... those are so coool looking....! aiyaaaah maybe i should just keep them lol.