i talked to my car tonight. i must be going crazy.

was walking towards my car at the end of the long night at the gym, i found myself saying, "hey buster, how are you?" clicked open the door and slid myself in, and i felt good. safe and quiet. like a little nut in a nutshell kind of feeling. where the nutshell can be cracked open anytime even though how tough it seems to be.

it's one of those days today. where i feel like a cracked open nut. no matter how tough i try to be, the shell i build around me still cracks and leave me exposed.

arghhhh.

always thought i'm tough. guess i'm no better than anyone really. maybe even worse than others. because i build up this wall around me and think i can take up any challenge along the way. is that considered being stupid.

was never the best. did my best to be the best, thought i was the best. but nope, never really was the best. tried, strived, thought i was there, felt i got there. but nope, it don't mean anything to them. so who's the best. not me.

so i don't care. thought it don't matter no more. and i felt confident. i was confident. but it came back. and i lost it. lost confidence in myself. me? that's crazy. not a person who'll lose that.

but i guess i did. alright, nutshell time. let's build another one to protect my cowardly being. it's alittle suffocating, but that's better than getting pierced.

or is it?

someone once said risking is necessary. if not you'll never know. i did, and the journey is going good. but it comes to a point where it is breaking my shell away. heard it's suppose to be like that, that it's a good thing. but to be honest, afraid.

what if i disappoint. or get disappointed? someone else is always better. that sucks. i'm never good enough. that sucks big time. whoever i got that from, it works. i'm feeling it.

or... is it?

tired.