just got back from the attorney’s office. seems like so many things have already happened this morning the moment i woke up that time has not passed by at all.

it was good. i have reached for the next step and even though it's like a mudhole i fall into, at least i know what it is. got alot of valuable information which answer alot of my questions, i feel a sense of relieve and anxiety at the same time that neutralizes each other - i feel numb.

it's not a bad or a good numb, it's just numb. u don't feel anything when u are numb so it's not a good or bad thing i guess. this numbness inside has been radiating alot more through me recently. it numbs my usual activity and thoughts and talking that people think i am down. i don't think i am, but maybe i am. my thoughts are numb that i can't really think whether it's true or not. but on the other hand i'm not feeling bad or anything much really, except for occasional outburst of temper that makes me take my close ones around for granted. i totally dislike this. i’m sorry.

so probably, numbness does have negative side effects. i’ll work to get myself back.

i’m finding the beach and water and sun again. i’m so stupid, they have always been there. i’m the one that have been away.

sprained my right pinky 2 days ago. have it all taped and wrapped up to ease some discomfort, but having it immobilized really makes me realize so things i do rely on my pinky. typing on the keyboard right now is certainly one main thing.

it's end of January. what? that's quick. i was looking at my calender and realized how much stuff had happened over this month. the trip to mendocino, the thought of getting a teaching credential and doing all the research of it, conversations with my mom and knowing it's not gonna happen, realization of the actualization that anything can happen, the TB test that i didn't have to take afterall, the fitness meeting that was supposed to motivate me as a trainer in this new year, the start of a new basketball league, the interview in SJ, the new clients i have, the thought of being the happiest aunt soon.

using the term "realize" alot. really, i realize alot of things at the start of the year. it's a good start.

it's teaching alot being an individual on this planet. things may not seem to go where i want it to, but somehow i find this path made me realize alot more about myself. how hot and bad tempered i can be. yikes. but how i still have friends and family listening to me whine. cl is so patient with me and i don't understand how he does it, because even i can't stand myself when i throw a tantrum. but from there i appreciate him so much more.

the puzzle pieces are falling into their places each day as it goes by. it's weird but within all the frustration there's always a good feeling i have and i can't help but to crack it off.

and my sister is gonna have a baby! i am soooooo happy! so so happy :) my sister who used to tease and fight and play and teach me is gonna have a little somebody in her's and steve's life. the thought of it is breath taking. i'm gonna work on my basketball skills more so i can teach the little somebody basketball!

oh but it's england, soccer is a much bigger thing. maybe i'll get my brother to teach soccer instead.

God will make a way
when there seems to be no way
he works in ways
we cannot see
he will make a way for me
he will be my guide
hold me closely to his side
with love and strength
for each new day
he will make a way
he will make a way

one of the first christian song that i can still memorize and sing. and after spending some quiet time i feel so much better. come to think about it, i have a close friend here who has been trying all these while in job search but in vain. and yet he has such strong faith about the next step that it made me realize God is still in control. when i try to steer the wheel everything's a mess... but when i let Him take control, comfort and strength overwhelm me. so many people love me and in return i love them back, i'm so so blessed. moving around has been a trend in my life, but the feeling of parting i have still not yet been able to desensitize. whether the move is by me or someone else. but from such experiences, i find myself value some things more than others.

value a call from a friend more than the tv.
value basketball playing than basketball shoes.
value hugs and kisses more than what's gonna happen next.
value the journey rather than the destination.

there's so much to write, but i don't know what to write.

each step i take is so unpredictable, it seems like each step makes a difference to a either "this or that" outcome.

some things are just unpredictable. but is that bad? or is that good?

different people tell me different things. but in the end, i'm leading myself to what i, hopefully, think is best.

remember when i was 15, my A-math teacher told me, "if you can't change the situation, change yourself to adjust to the situation."

so i see everything in a bigger picture. and i see that things may not work out the way we want it to be, but it's not the end. unless i start seeing it as the end.

well it's not.

and meanwhile continue to do what i can while still enjoying what i have.

tiredness has been my biggest enemy recently.

it's that type of tiredness that no matter how much i sleep, it will still creep up to me one way or another, i'm not sure how.

it's a mental kind of tired that affect me physically as well.

dealing with the coming near future is tough, but i'm glad that as i go through each day, each step starts to reveal the next step for me. like running up that killer slope back at MacRitchie in singapore years ago. i couldn't look anywhere else except that next step i planted my foot in with sweat dripping all over me and knowing each step is gonna take me to the top and finish the whole darn thing.

and i'm so lucky. so many people love me and support me. what a great way to start the new year. :)

in a blink of an eye i'm back in HK, even though my bottom is still sore from sitting down too much on the plane.

it feels pretty good coming back, winter this year is not as cold as last year. i haven't got a chance to look at the city lights yet but i'm dying to. skylights in HK are beautiful, bringing the city to life in the darkness. i caught a glimsp of the island while flying into the airport, and it's quite amazing how pretty this place i spent some years as a little kid is.

before i came back to HK i have a whole list down of all the things i want to do, to eat, to buy, to visit... but now i'm back, i feel that i just want to see all my family and relatives. it has always been tough to get the whole family together, and for once this opportunity is here for us to do so. somehow everything on my list seems secondary now...

Christmas is here. or at least all the shopping stores are bombarding the city with christmas trees and lights and songs and santa clauses and christmas decorations and sales which bring christmas to us much earlier than before. for once i'm feeling the stress many people are having right now, spending money to buy the right gifts.

it's actually quite a enjoyable experience. last week after work i met chia in downtown to go for christmas shopping for my family. it's been so long since i last saw them for christmas, i don't even remember whether i was old enough before to know to buy gifts for my family when we were still spending christmas together. but it was pretty fun, we were at banana republic picking out stuff for them even with the time constraint of the store closing hours. the thought of giving the gifts to them is funny... will i feel weird giving gifts to them? will they like it? i guess if they don't like it i'll take them for myself... haha. it's the thought that counts afterall.

but that means i'm going back to HK really soon. 10 days to go. yestereday i was talking to this other trainer who's about the same age as i am and so we were at that stage of transition between school and work, and i realized that this trip back home will decide a lot of things for me, the coming near future. what will happen next year?

i must admit i had a little fear tingling up my spine when i thought about that each time, but last night i received a christmas card from virginia which made me smile and surprisingly, calm those tingling fear sensations. knowing that someone is praying for me for God's direction in my life allows me to feel that i can handle anything that comes along my way. that's how it's always been, God directing my life. how can i forget? He has brought me to where i am today, and who i am, He'll continue to guide if i don't lose sight of His step... how can i forget?

Have faith.