emotions

on a break from writing a paper for my psyc class. have been trying to put my thoughts and information i got from interviewing others (thank you so much u guys for providing me with all the info i need) in words, but it's much more difficult than i thought. much much more difficult.

i think today is the first time where i can start writing with a sounder mind without much distractions on what had happened. writing about this certain someone. when i first reviewed on our previous conversations, emotions ran high inside me and i didn't know how i would be able to pull together a paper that is concrete and informational based on the experience. i didn't know his death would affect me more than i thought. there were a lot of "what if"s. some regrets. some tears. sometimes, i wished the whole thing was just unreal. if someone asked me whether i would go back and changed what i would have done, i would say yes.

i want to say sorry a hundred times, a thousand times. i hope this paper will be a closure. please let it be.

thoughts

driving down 101
i saw a plane sailing in the sky
and wonder
what the people inside are thinking
are some going after something?
are some running away from somewhere
are some happy? are some tearing?
or are some emotionless

are they coming back home?
are they beginning a new life?
are there loved ones awaiting for them?
or maybe everything will be a breath of fresh air

thoughts.

love

yesterday at church I learned something which i've forgotten for a looooooooong time...

you cannot give away something you don't have.

so if i don't have love, specifically God's love, how can i give it away?

i need to learn how to let it stay inside my heart.

Cleared!!

yesterday was a great day...... i'm cleared by my doctor to do whatever i want to do with my knee!! (although he did hint nothing crazy) i'm discharged after 7 1/2 months since the day of my surgery... it was such an exciting and breathless feeling but at the same time i'm at a little loss too.... no more doctor and PT? feel somewhat scary. no more going to someone if i do something stupid... but then i feel a new sense of responsibility and maturity about taking care of my body. not wanting to put my joints through another trauma is definitely a big part. accidents are out there, but at least i'll do my best to protect myself.....

wow. excited. scary. happy. hmmph.

first day of school..... again

the last time i stepped onto a college campus as a student was 2.5 years ago... and am back again today. the feeling's weird, especially now i feel older and with a ring on my finger and a dog waiting for me at home, it's just different compared to before where i am just by myself and myself only. but i survived the first day, with the chem lab instructor saying i did a good job with the titration, so i think i'm alright.

TRANSITION. the best word to describe what's going on with me this year. being a student. being a sweetie to my sweetie. balancing work and doggie with the rest. volunteering again in the children's ministry. all these stuff, with no guarantee at the end of it to see if i'll reach my goal of PT school. but then again, i don't live in the future. i live right now. maybe right now wasn't exactly the way i thought would turn out to be a few years ago. but then again, life is unpredictable, and i quite like my life right now.

so like my fav phrase in million dollar baby - i think i did alright.

the Queen's tea

what a lovely place... i felt like a Queen! thanks to you gals for such a lovely surprise lunch, i felt connected back to my British roots again (well it's more of that teeny weeny amount of colonized roots). everything was awesome, the food, the tea, and people, the conversations, the atmosphere, and of course the gifts... i will just say i'll do my best to put everything into good use one way or the other... no promises though ;)

the cute little lovely tea house!


and the tea and food are superb!

1 month and 1 day

looking at ceremony music right now.... and suddenly i feel all sorts of creepy crawlies crawling all around in my stomach... it's the weirdest feeling ever. and trying to decide between 2 pieces of music is creating more emotions... arghhh... calling stel helps alittle but still, i can't sleep. everyone is gonna focus on us in 1 month's time. the aisle walking picture in my mind is still blurry but getting clearer, and i'm freaking out. arghh. help. i need to breathe.