listening to the clay aiken CD right now. so cheesy but somehow it's in my cd player when i pressed "play". and maybe just plain old laziness to get to my car and dig out my cd holder. a softer switch from avril and pink, which is a good transition to slow down alittle. it's good to have the music going on in my room, has been such a while that i actually didn't know i miss it till i play my stereo once again.

a good day at the gym. not too fast, but not too slow either. like the beats of the music, it was of good rhythm. trained my client with a different and more challenging workout and it sure was challenging for her. but it was really good. i think i'm really loving this club. not the building, but the experience itself i'm going through. the learning. the people. the stuff i'm doing. and another experience that makes my heart fall for san francisco.

hung out with my brother the other day, and we found it funny that our positions seemed to be switched. he has his heart for back home. he knows more places in hong kong than i do and he's not even born there. but i love the fact that he loves it and he knows it. how can someone loves somewhere so much?

it must be because there's something special at that place. and moving around so much allows me to gain some and leave some things each place i set foot on. and finding something special everywhere i go. and san francisco has alot of special things i've come across and gone through and experience over these few years. especially this past year. ups downs good bad sun rain they brought me to where i am today. and who i am today. can't lie, my heart has fallen for san francisco.

Anything But Ordinary - Avril Lavigne

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is a beautiful
accident turbulent suculent
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh my self to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough, is it enough?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

i talked to my car tonight. i must be going crazy.

was walking towards my car at the end of the long night at the gym, i found myself saying, "hey buster, how are you?" clicked open the door and slid myself in, and i felt good. safe and quiet. like a little nut in a nutshell kind of feeling. where the nutshell can be cracked open anytime even though how tough it seems to be.

it's one of those days today. where i feel like a cracked open nut. no matter how tough i try to be, the shell i build around me still cracks and leave me exposed.

arghhhh.

always thought i'm tough. guess i'm no better than anyone really. maybe even worse than others. because i build up this wall around me and think i can take up any challenge along the way. is that considered being stupid.

was never the best. did my best to be the best, thought i was the best. but nope, never really was the best. tried, strived, thought i was there, felt i got there. but nope, it don't mean anything to them. so who's the best. not me.

so i don't care. thought it don't matter no more. and i felt confident. i was confident. but it came back. and i lost it. lost confidence in myself. me? that's crazy. not a person who'll lose that.

but i guess i did. alright, nutshell time. let's build another one to protect my cowardly being. it's alittle suffocating, but that's better than getting pierced.

or is it?

someone once said risking is necessary. if not you'll never know. i did, and the journey is going good. but it comes to a point where it is breaking my shell away. heard it's suppose to be like that, that it's a good thing. but to be honest, afraid.

what if i disappoint. or get disappointed? someone else is always better. that sucks. i'm never good enough. that sucks big time. whoever i got that from, it works. i'm feeling it.

or... is it?

tired.

the air is so cold today that i'm having a slight headache. but after getting out of the house to get some groceries, moving my body around does seems to help alleviate some of the heaviness in my head. and the promise of hot porridge being cooked in the process of my entry certainly is something i look forward to, rather than popping two advils into my stomach.

i did blow out the candles without being photographed on saturday, at least not at that moment when i was in action. guess i'm just quick ;) it was a day where everything seemed to be planned out in such a way where they were just waiting for me to explore. well there was actually someone who planned out everything, and i can't appreciate what he did more.

it was a rainy day, and i was actually glad it was rainy even though it meant there was no basketball, but i just felt tired somewhat. lying in a cozy bed under the warm covers, while the sky looks gray with raindrops hitting against the window forming rhythmic sounds, it was one of the most comfortable feelings i've ever had, and it certainly promise a cozy start to the day. and it was good. peaceful yet with a pinch of excitement because i was happy. walked around town without having to hurry to anywhere, i love it.

and dinner was fantastic. chia took me to bistro on clement and i love every bit of it. it's a french restaurant with a very friendly atmosphere, their lightings felt warm and the food was excellent. the salmon i had was really good and definitely the mashed potatoes too. i wonder what they put in there to make it that good. and i guess that's why people are willing to pay extra to eat good food. the funny thing was that towards the end of dinner when we needed to get our coats back, the waiter didn't know which ones were ours and thus he took all the coats from the coat rack and brought them all to us. the best thing was that he did it with such professionalism that i really admire his attitude for his job.

and the surprise party. chia invited some of our friends over to celebrate my birthday without my knowing. ok, maybe alittle since florence spilled some beans to me, but all i knew was that there seems to be something going on. it was still such a surprise when it happened, and it was really nice to be having our friends over for tea and conversations and enjoying the get-together. i love every moment of it.

and i guess it's because these days, people are so busy with their lives that get-togethers are a time to slow down, catch up and indulge in others' companies. especially when it's getting cold, feelings like this warms up the hearts.

my headache seems to be gone.

just checked my email and among the dozens of mails from my basketball buddies and school and work stuff, an ecard from bluemountain from a friend back in crescent whom i've lost contact with for a long time. it definitely made my night! :) a total pleasant surprise, and the funny thing is that she sent me a "i love u" card for my birthday. hahahaha. i love it :)

it adds to the joy of getting a card from my sis each year as well without fail, this year she sent me one of a light purplish color with flowers on the cover. and inside there's a few words written in her own stylish cursives which i always admire - and tried copying when i was younger - of hers and my bro-in-law's wishes. i've put it up on top of my dresser and it sure finds its place among the other stuff i've put together; graduation stuff toys, tea candles, and a few pictures i really like.

i've been doing much better with progress at work the past week. i've got clients! with my own efforts ;) there are times i just wanna go out there and help everyone out on the floor, when there are just too many people with incorrect techniques yanking their bodies at the machines. but i guess i still need to survive and get paid to do so. darryl is proud of me i think, but i feel i still got a long way to go.

work and work, that's why i decided to take saturday off. final decision, after weighing it between cash or rest. and in coincidence it's my birthday too. looking back from all that have happened since last year, i feel i've come a long way. feel as though many many many things have happened.

hmmph. it's kinda sad somehow when i don't really know what to do that day. it's not new, i never really know what to do or expect since six years ago. am i suppose to do something? i know the answer - it's all up to me. that's why, i don't know.

some people throw big parties. some people have quiet dinners. some people forget theirs. i'm fortunate that i have someone special to take me out to dinner. just telling that to the korean lady at the gym today made me smile, and well, alittle embarrassed. not the bad kind , but the kind that feels like being a little girl having her very first date and someone knows about it. hehe, so silly.

suddenly, i think i know what to do for bdays. things i like that makes me happy, but alittle different so it's different from the usual. like going somewhere. there's so many places i want to go. but i'll save that for next time. maybe i should ride my bike to ocean beach and kick up and fall into the sand. that's pretty fun :) love to be close to mother nature. play some hoops, pat some doggies. sit down and enjoy conversations with friends. i did that the other night with a few of my good friends here over dinner at a African restaurant which was really cool, i totally enjoy everything over there; the food, the atmosphere, and especially their company and conversations. hehe, i want to blow out candles too. without being photographed that is.

it's been getting so much colder these few days in SF. I actually woke up a few times last night feeling cold even under my usually warm covers in my cozy little bed. but i did get a good night's sleep.

i'm still learning so much from darryl at club one. it seems that no matter how hard i try to get better each time at orientation there's still something that i screw up. and darryl catches that everytime i talk to him. and i'll feel as though i'm the dumbest person on earth, with my confidence diving to the bottom of the valley. but he's a great mentor and he's teaching me so much which i so enjoy. i can't get any worse so i can only get better. suck it up and learn. the sky's the limit.

being back at state on monday was good too. i talked to Dr. Spina and Dr. Lee which helped alot in indirectly reviewing to me what i really like in the field. after these 2 years i still feel a bigger pinch in physiology than physical therapy. i'm searching around and talking with others about different areas to get a better idea of whether that's really what i want. it's a big investment there and i want to know.

i want. these two words have been coming up so frequently in my volcabulary these days. it used to be more like "i want, but what about this/that/him/her?" it's been alittle draining over the years. feels that an intermission period has arrived for me to just focus on myself. because that's what i want. i want to feel what i'm feeling. it doesn't mean i don't care about other people or other things. i just don't want to lose touch with myself. i want to find out the path ahead of me. i want to make decisions. i want to get better in what i do. i want to slack off in things i can slack off. i want to tell people what i feel, i want to let them know. i want to hide nothing. that's why i want to laugh when it's funny. and cry when it hurts. and buy three packets of sour patch kids when i want to eat three packs.

in addition, i want to continue what i've done before and what i'm still doing. it's still me with a deeper sense of who i am.

it's october. where did the year go?

have been so tired recently. i don't know why, but letting myself sleep for 10 hrs 2 nights before helped quite abit in getting my energy back.

it's good that there are things that keep me going. i'm still trying to keep myself going in learning more at work, learning from mistakes and having the thickest skin anyone can have so i can sustain falls. having gatherings after work to look forward to, good wine to drink, friends to crack jokes with. and chia, and God, and oh, chocolates.